Grace: Chapter 1

They told her that she would have to go away.
Where? She whispered, so helpless in that meek shell of a teenage girl.
Away.

She walked up to the doors, two glass planes that spread before her. Arm extending, she braced herself and her body, ready for the impact that would surely take place upon entrance. The door opened with a swift squeak, and she gulped, sure that someone could hear her heart beating so quickly below her rib cage. A bright light greeted her, revealing clean hallways, and tile floors, and white walls.
Is this heaven? She wondered, eyes squinting from the bright effulgence, though of course she knew. This place was no heaven.
Looks can be deceiving.

“And you are…”
A stern old lady approached her, speaking through wrinkled lips.
“I’m… I’m Grace.”
The eyes, supported by equally wrinkled skin, scanned Grace up and down, in taking the image of a tall, black haired girl of fair skin, and slim wrists, and baggy, worn- out, second-hand uniform.
“Well Grace. Here is your schedule. Second period is taking place right now, so find your class and give the teacher this slip of paper.”
This slip of paper was bright yellow. As if Grace would get confused and hand in some other slip of paper.
She took the slip and turned around, reading on her schedule that she would need to find a Mr. Bentley in room 213. She reached the stairs and walked up, her shoes sliding carelessly over the slick tile. With every step she took toward the wooden door that read 213, the dread become greater and greater, each step harder and harder to complete. Yet the door was opening now, by the power of her own cursed hand, and now Grace stood awkwardly in front of fifty turned heads, the object of their attention.
A girl in the front row stood up, arm reaching in greeting.
“Hey Grace. My name is Jennifer, but everyone calls me Jen.”
Jen was bold. But was that surprising? Grace had trouble remembering things like that anymore. Whether it was a good thing or not to be bold, or maybe to be shy. Whether it was normal or not. But then again, Grace had never really been able to tell what was normal. But bold or beautiful or normal or whatever, Jen’s brown layered locks fell gracefully to her shoulders in an oh-so-nonchalant way. She shook the hand. Jen looked perfectly snotty with her pursed lips and perfect hair.
Jen talked with a tone of voice that Grace hated, a voice that managed to combine self- righteousness with pity, and a hint of disgust.
“Hi,” Grace returned. “I’m Grace. Oh, and I need to give you this.”
She turned away as she spoke, heel pivoting easily, and looked distastefully at the yellow paper before handing it to the presumed Mr. Bentley, a man in his early forties, who stood behind the desk. His graying hair was gelled up slightly in front.
“Thank you, Grace. You may take a seat in the back row.”
She managed to walk through the rows of students who stared without care or restraint. Their uniforms all shone with a newness that her own lacked, and she felt like a weed among roses. She could tell by the look in their scrutinizing eyes that she would be plucked from this garden as soon as possible.
Finally she reached the back row and found an empty seat. The boy in front of her turned around and smiled. For once, a genuine smile. “Jack,” He simply stated.
He had short, dark brown, somewhat curly hair and blue eyes. Could a normal person actually exist in this hellhole?
“No.” Someone seemed to answer.
Grace looked to her left and saw who had spoken.
“My name is Sarah, and I’m the Jen of the back row, if you will,“ The redheaded Sarah stared at Grace for a moment before turning her attention to Jack. “And I’m sorry Jack, but you just broke the No Speaking to the New Girl Rule.”
Bold and Bolder.
Jack turned around, facing front, dutifully.
And there goes the Wimp.
Grace just smiled to herself, knowing perfectly well the routine that had just occurred, with the staring, and excluding, and baseless hatred, and she knew the routine that would follow, where no one could care less. Every school, public or, like this one, private, had treated her the same. How could she have even hoped for a moment that this school, with its clean white walls, and superb reputation, would be any different? Grace had never had a place. Not at home, or at school, or even in life. Grace knew that everyone hated her. Grace knew that she hated herself. She knew that her breathing, her eating, her sleeping, her existing, was taking up precious space that could have been used for someone more worthy in the world. Grace knew that she was unworthy. She knew that she wanted to run far away. She knew that she wanted to die.

scarlet tears

suffocating
the scarf trails round her neck
down her spine
atop soft sweater
she lifts her head
revealing deep black eyelashes
and secrets that cannot come out
chained in behind the facade
its trailing the floor
leaving a blood red trail
and petals of gold
shes suffocating
but doesnt want to breath
or stay
or leave
shes wondering whether there was a point
whether anything is worth anything else
whether she deserves whats been dealt
and what she has dealt in return
supple lips turn up to face him
but the black hair shields light
and he is good
all thats left
that is worth anything else
a tear drop falls
blood red
down her cheek
so pleasantly depressing
her facade
so depressingly beautiful
the whole charade
shes smiling now
hes gone
hes here
hes gone
in a puddle of scarlet tears
she falls to the floor
the scarf caching as she descends
shes wondering whether there was a point
whether anything is worth anything else
whether she should go to sleep tonight
wake up in the morning
supple lips facing her pillow
but not intaking any breath
shes wondering if she should sigh like yesterday
smile like tomorrow
scarf trailing
in a puddle of scarlet tears

under a stone

note: song

I want you
You want me
I feel you- It's
you I see
and when
the lights go out
It's like
I need to shout

You are the best of everything
You do the things that make me, sane
And when I am alone, in pain --

You're there

and so I can't complain

(music interlude)

I feel like I'm walking on a cloud
My thoughts echo so clear, loud
but
I'm sick
I'm sick of life
Sometimes
I want to die
Sometimes
I want to live
Sometimes
I can forgive

(higher)
And sometimes----- I feel
so alone
And sometimes------ I feel like
I'm under a stone
And sometimes It's hard to walk away
Sometimes
I just want you to stay

Away
Stay away from me
Stay away

Stay away from me
You're making me insane
(in background)
Stay away
from me
your making me insane

I just want be alone
right now

(subdued)
sometimes I feel like I 'm under a stone
(pause)
sometimes I feel like I just want be
alone

(high, pretty)
sometimes when the moon hits on the ground
And your shadow shelters me from all the sounds
A little birdie wraps it's wings around the young
After it has sung
It's lullaby goodnight

I'm ashamed so say
that I want to live life this way

And when the sky is gray
I'll think of you
And of yesterday

so stay

Away

from me...


Because

I can

not breath...

and when

you

are near--

I love you so,

my dear,
I fear,

you are so gentle--
All that's left is good

So please

Become what's left of me---

Inside of me

(higher)
And sometimes----- I feel
so alone
And sometimes------ I feel like
I'm under a stone
Sometimes It's hard to walk away
Sometimes
I just want you to stay

Away
Stay away from me
Stay away
Stay away

Stay away from me
You're making me
insane

Stay away
from me

I just want be alone
right now

hopeless fate

She writes this music to escape
This fateless hope
This hopeless fate
And if the words seem distant, wrong
Please forgive her, and the song
So call her liar,
She won’t mind
Because it is the truth you find
But it relieves her charred black soul
This clean white paper, crisp and dull

Tell me,
Who took your fine soul
Was it them
While they were bored
They took mine
while I slept
Twinkling toes on carpet crept
And though I cringed
I couldn’t block
Their slender fingers,
Dangling locks
And my white soul they took away
Replaced it new with something gray

So tell me,
can you blame my lies
The product of the sun’s arise
I don’t even know the truth
I don’t know the world of youth
Once its passed it goes away
Not darkening your doorstep another day
I have lost it
That’s the truth
These words simply expose the proof
That I’m a fraud
That we’re all fakes
That as we do, so we make
I’m a liar
I’m a cheat
But at least I’ll admit this feat
Instead, like you,
Cower
Retreat
Slowly, you’ll admit defeat

the death of a mockingbird

Our cage held ten, until tonight
When ten turned into nine
The hue of black upon its back, reflecting light's white shine
I wasn't there, to see the pain
But sister said it died in vain,
Blood soaked, the velvet cape draped on its life
Reminds me of how yesterday,
The ten was really one,
Then one was two, and two was ten, and ten was quite a few
And when our house became a zoo
Of squawks
And laughter
Song
And all of life is met with death
A parakeet is no exception
Though its yellow sight
Turned black
Was not addressed in plain affection

And now it lays,
In frozen ground
Beneath Mamossa Central
With hamster friends, decayed and gone,
It's home,
A Kroger cream cheese box
"To kill a parakeet,"
I think
And know that all i do is mock.

slightest bit tomorrow

I'm slightly insane
this shade of red and brown
it drags me down
the crusty earth of everything
of me,
of clay and tears
the fears are building up now
and i can't choke my song
even as i'm stranded here
i'm backed against the wall
last night' s dinner on the road
i sway and then i fall
Can it be the sympathy
that took me here, thus far
now i'm here alone
and i can barely stand against the waves
they drag me with the current
I can't even scream
or dream
I'm nothing now, it seems
a little bit like yesterday,
that everything's the same
the slightest bit tomorrow
that i'm the one to blame
dream or no,
friend or foe
i can tell the end
cracking on my head
and trickling down my neck, my spine
i close my eyes to keep it out
but it makes me shiver, still
I'm a little different, now
the slightest bit tomorrow