2008 I'm in hate and I'm lost
2009 I'll be found
Just as soon as the clouds part away
And yesterday's sun drops down
2008
I'm in hate
Tomorrow I'll be fine
Just as soon as I can breath
The air of 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
to dream
I'm sorry.
I seem to have upset the past,
now a swirling mass, a mess.
It wriggles at the seams,
attempts to break free.
But I see it
Suppress it.
Tell it to sleep.
To dream.
And breath.
And it kneels over,
crying out in pain.
"It will be alright," I say.
But maybe I'm just vain.
A hypocrite is what I am,
A liar and a fake.
That I don't want to sleep tonight,
I don't want to dream.
I just want to lie alone.
To lose myself,
unseen.
Asleep, I am real.
Awake, I am scared.
And in the state that's in between,
I'm freer than the Lost.
In this state I cry out loud,
In this state, I sing.
In this state I'm by myself.
Immune to vice and sting.
To dream is to see.
To live is to be.
But isn't it better to know than to feel?
To feel is to hurt
to know is to shield.
I want to lie,
alone and cold,
And dream today away.
Because to live today I feel the pain.
And now, I'm tired, shot.
to dream is peace and I am numb.
for now, that's all I've got.
I seem to have upset the past,
now a swirling mass, a mess.
It wriggles at the seams,
attempts to break free.
But I see it
Suppress it.
Tell it to sleep.
To dream.
And breath.
And it kneels over,
crying out in pain.
"It will be alright," I say.
But maybe I'm just vain.
A hypocrite is what I am,
A liar and a fake.
That I don't want to sleep tonight,
I don't want to dream.
I just want to lie alone.
To lose myself,
unseen.
Asleep, I am real.
Awake, I am scared.
And in the state that's in between,
I'm freer than the Lost.
In this state I cry out loud,
In this state, I sing.
In this state I'm by myself.
Immune to vice and sting.
To dream is to see.
To live is to be.
But isn't it better to know than to feel?
To feel is to hurt
to know is to shield.
I want to lie,
alone and cold,
And dream today away.
Because to live today I feel the pain.
And now, I'm tired, shot.
to dream is peace and I am numb.
for now, that's all I've got.
Monday, December 8, 2008
unborn, forgotten thought
Note: Miriam and I were doing email poetry back a while ago (and yes I said "email" not "emo") and we came up with this really good one that always gets stuck in my head. The first I'd say half is alternating every few lines between me and miriam and after that miriam kind of runs away with it so that's all her. she had a vision so she grabbed it. Though it may have been slightly explicite for a seventh grader (And I was an eight grader.) Anyways, just thought of this today and I realized it would be good to blog though it is kind of old. I named it "unborn forgotten thought" because that's what I think of when I think of this poem. In reality, however, it is unnamed. Punctuation, however messed up, I am keeping the same.
Miriam: if you want me to distinguish btwn me and you I can. Right now, i'm leaving it.
a sunflower high in the twilight sky,
like a moon shined flower whispering
a scared sensation, a flavored creation
Her sparkling eyes, a decision blistering
the meanest desperation
of living and not
killing innovation
the unborn forgotten thought
sweeter for the fantasies
transcending taste of sugar
living only in the dreams
the deadliest roar of a cougar
realization never ceases
fascination never lies
preoccupation creates wonders
thoughts of oceans in tiger's eyes
wonder why i never tried
wondered why the birds can fly
wondered why the fire burned
wondered how the world turned
wondered till i was nearly dead
then finally realized i'd lost my head
but looking back can never change what's happened
and looking forward only creates false hope
the only thing to do is wallow in your misery
this way you'll just have to cope
believing in yourself? Yeah right.
complete optimism? please.
she never could understand the difference between
receiving and taking, creating and making
playing the hard ball game
just wasn't the same
once it was all revealed
once it came out to light
the spontaneous combustion of decomposing leaves
has only left the faintest trace
of what came before
and everything that came after
was just a helpless wail of misery,
the cry to the stars above and dirt below
she wanted to spit on those leaves
the past so retched in her memory
the screaming sensation was the purest
elation of all the things that went, well, wrong
and the tired realization that she had guessed
it's not all right, I'm not all right
and the fact that she had kept hidden all these long years
was now just a distant flower in the past that was hope
that had been home
that had been real
something tangible to look forward to at the end of the day
but whats gone is dead
a crust of pizza slammed into the trash
sent off to the dump
with the crushed cars and dreams
he looked at her, dark eyes
laughing at life for living
speeding along at 90
going to spend an evening with the gals 'n' guys
the times were great
laughing joking, drinking
never a dull moment
never a tear to shed
the dark and the speed
a night like tonight
he never looked so good
she sighed
never smelled so nice
flared her nostrils and breathed
was never more appealing
than on that night.
they pulled over to the side of the old country road
and he took the lead
the pain was slight
but she'd do anything
for him.
once they got to the hang out
she hardly touched the sweet beer
her lips were only for him
her hands though his dark hair
only wanting him.
later that night or was it morning?
speeding along faster than before
didnt see the other car
coming from the other direction
just a scream
then thrown back and then forward
shattered glass in her hair she got up
and the out
of the car and walked around back
to the other side and opened his door
and he tumbled out halfway
"get up" she whispered and then turned to shout
she's leaning her head against the hard cold glass pane
she straightens then trudges over to the half open
bedroom door
and her gaze follows the widening band of light
that shines over the sleeping little boys dark hair
she stares softly at him,
raising him singly in her care.
"Good Night,
sleep tight,
I love you for ever and always."
she whispers.
Good God how I love him
she thinks
and then
"Good night."
Miriam: if you want me to distinguish btwn me and you I can. Right now, i'm leaving it.
a sunflower high in the twilight sky,
like a moon shined flower whispering
a scared sensation, a flavored creation
Her sparkling eyes, a decision blistering
the meanest desperation
of living and not
killing innovation
the unborn forgotten thought
sweeter for the fantasies
transcending taste of sugar
living only in the dreams
the deadliest roar of a cougar
realization never ceases
fascination never lies
preoccupation creates wonders
thoughts of oceans in tiger's eyes
wonder why i never tried
wondered why the birds can fly
wondered why the fire burned
wondered how the world turned
wondered till i was nearly dead
then finally realized i'd lost my head
but looking back can never change what's happened
and looking forward only creates false hope
the only thing to do is wallow in your misery
this way you'll just have to cope
believing in yourself? Yeah right.
complete optimism? please.
she never could understand the difference between
receiving and taking, creating and making
playing the hard ball game
just wasn't the same
once it was all revealed
once it came out to light
the spontaneous combustion of decomposing leaves
has only left the faintest trace
of what came before
and everything that came after
was just a helpless wail of misery,
the cry to the stars above and dirt below
she wanted to spit on those leaves
the past so retched in her memory
the screaming sensation was the purest
elation of all the things that went, well, wrong
and the tired realization that she had guessed
it's not all right, I'm not all right
and the fact that she had kept hidden all these long years
was now just a distant flower in the past that was hope
that had been home
that had been real
something tangible to look forward to at the end of the day
but whats gone is dead
a crust of pizza slammed into the trash
sent off to the dump
with the crushed cars and dreams
he looked at her, dark eyes
laughing at life for living
speeding along at 90
going to spend an evening with the gals 'n' guys
the times were great
laughing joking, drinking
never a dull moment
never a tear to shed
the dark and the speed
a night like tonight
he never looked so good
she sighed
never smelled so nice
flared her nostrils and breathed
was never more appealing
than on that night.
they pulled over to the side of the old country road
and he took the lead
the pain was slight
but she'd do anything
for him.
once they got to the hang out
she hardly touched the sweet beer
her lips were only for him
her hands though his dark hair
only wanting him.
later that night or was it morning?
speeding along faster than before
didnt see the other car
coming from the other direction
just a scream
then thrown back and then forward
shattered glass in her hair she got up
and the out
of the car and walked around back
to the other side and opened his door
and he tumbled out halfway
"get up" she whispered and then turned to shout
she's leaning her head against the hard cold glass pane
she straightens then trudges over to the half open
bedroom door
and her gaze follows the widening band of light
that shines over the sleeping little boys dark hair
she stares softly at him,
raising him singly in her care.
"Good Night,
sleep tight,
I love you for ever and always."
she whispers.
Good God how I love him
she thinks
and then
"Good night."
Friday, December 5, 2008
december
I'm trying to remember if December is good.
The near-winter feeling in the air-
If it strangles me
Or sets me free.
I'm trying to remember if I enjoy the pain
of letting go
of holding on.
Of smothering fires and dreams
and breaths.
I cannot rememeber
though I do try
and try
and try
and try
to see you
to picture your sweet face
I'm trying to remember
yet I know that I can't
so I wait to remember
for eternity
trying to remember
what yesterday meant
whether December was a good thing
or bad or whatever
I'll remember when I can
but for now,
just let go
I'm to old for you to hold my hand
Too old to cry
too old to sweat
never let them see me
never
I'm comfortable in this long black jacket
outside of myself
When I remember-
you'll know.
You'll see the recognition grace my face.
so please,
let go.
The near-winter feeling in the air-
If it strangles me
Or sets me free.
I'm trying to remember if I enjoy the pain
of letting go
of holding on.
Of smothering fires and dreams
and breaths.
I cannot rememeber
though I do try
and try
and try
and try
to see you
to picture your sweet face
I'm trying to remember
yet I know that I can't
so I wait to remember
for eternity
trying to remember
what yesterday meant
whether December was a good thing
or bad or whatever
I'll remember when I can
but for now,
just let go
I'm to old for you to hold my hand
Too old to cry
too old to sweat
never let them see me
never
I'm comfortable in this long black jacket
outside of myself
When I remember-
you'll know.
You'll see the recognition grace my face.
so please,
let go.
change of plans
There has been a change in plans. I won't be posting the rest of Grace on line. There is just way too much, and that alone would take a lot of time, but besides that, when I copy and paste into the blog it completely ruins the format. No more indents, and the italics disappear, which I can fix, but one at a time which will take absolutely forever. Conclusion: It's not worth it.
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