Hand-Holding

like a child again
my mother holds my hand

i'm afraid of the other children, they're all...
cooler
and dressed in pants that cost more than
we have and
hair so lovely
ribbon tied.

nineteen now,
and yesterday
i told my mom "the kids
made fun of me
then
because you dressed me
in boys clothes."
i wish that hadn't gone through like everything else
never does
but i saw it register
facially
and it hurts me like my own face has registered
that her daughter holds a grudge.

you let go of my hand
and every day i cry
the children all can laugh
but im too scared to raise my hand
to use the toilet.

itll be thirteen years
before i will raise my hand
and look at them
when i speak.

so why now do i cry
every time a hand lets go
nineteen and
when the school bus pulls away
my face still cringes
and i know
what will register
again
and again.