december

I'm trying to remember if December is good.
The near-winter feeling in the air-
If it strangles me
Or sets me free.
I'm trying to remember if I enjoy the pain
of letting go
of holding on.
Of smothering fires and dreams
and breaths.
I cannot rememeber
though I do try
and try
and try
and try
to see you
to picture your sweet face

I'm trying to remember
yet I know that I can't
so I wait to remember
for eternity
trying to remember
what yesterday meant
whether December was a good thing
or bad or whatever
I'll remember when I can
but for now,
just let go
I'm to old for you to hold my hand
Too old to cry
too old to sweat
never let them see me
never
I'm comfortable in this long black jacket
outside of myself

When I remember-
you'll know.
You'll see the recognition grace my face.

so please,
let go.