why?

does everything hurt when i picture your face,
can't deal with the pain, there is no
replace to the things that you said, i thought i could try
cuz really I mean, why would I lie? I just wanted to--ugh
Why does everything hurt?
And it's not just you its like Hell visits Earth...
Like all that I had was taken away
All the mean while I'm just a
Freaking--
Ugh that's the pain, hitting my chest and I can't even
complete my sentences or keep to the rhymes scheme
I mean,enjambment is awesome but not like this not like
Freaking out here bc I'm an old jealous fool it isn't that
he's mine or ever even was honestly just an illusion,
And honestly, Mimi, you've got it made, do you even realize?
Why do you screw everything up? Why do you inflict pain onto others
your such a freaking bad person with such a freaking facade it isn't even
Ugh there it goes again and I've had it
I've had it up to---
I've had everything have everything can't keep emotions is place
do you I have a mental disease? I really think so why else would I be such an
IDIOT
I mean, come on, just saying that G-d has given you, ugh, so much and all you can do
Is take every situation and regurgitate the goodness as breakfast treat,
meanwhile it all piles up and up and overflows from your tainted hands, the hands that sin that
kill that
you don't deserve.
So maybe you don't know everything,
maybe G-d has plans for you you can't comprehend but
I'm sure you're screwing that up too
Because honestly, that's what you do so well nowadays

.

lying with my pillow on my head
crying bout the things you said
wishing life were just a dream
and the things i dreamed were real
and i'm just so insecure about the
very words i'm sure
would just bring you to your knees
baby i only say please
but its

here and there and you and you and
i can't take this i can't show you you
are not the one i thought you're everyone
and everywhere and

ugh.
it's just not fair.

alas insanity

Alas.
Insanity,
Bracing me like a leather choker and falling
down my waist now.
Rhythms bleeding one into the next that echo like the sound of drugs hitting the floor
and every last dying sound of my breath, ragged,
my clench week on its last hope
We are all on drugs,
Psychedelic mayhem breeding sanity
Sanity begets love.
Love begets forgiveness.
Then why do the pills make me hate you?
They said I would feel better,
like a calm hand on my mouth, erasing
the last 18 years
But desperation is what clouds my consciousness now,
A cry that is only mine to hear because if you own it,
than you own me.
You can take my insides out, and wrap them like a flag in storm,
but the metal pole will not stand against my twisted past.
Even its icy interior will crack from the pressure that
FOR SOME REASON
cannot fade.
Maybe it was you.
They sent you here...
Right?
To take me to the nice men in the white suits?

social butterfly

surround me and postpone me and thread me like a bead
and choke me with your slumber
and sing softly to me
and make me cry let me
rest my head upon your newly freed shoulder
and let me scream into your clothes
and let me just smolder and let me
think that I am small
and just stop telling me lies
and let me know
and please
postpone
the hate I feel
that you despise
and I am wrong
and I am tired and
I'm so worn
I have expired and
engulfed your thoughts and hatreds and
everything.
Everything is numbers crunched
stream of conscious flow
and hate
and love me
love me.
Love me please.
Why am I so needy?
Why can't I just spit this out?
These flowing thoughts
I want to die.
I'm emo, yes.
BUT I HAVE EVERYTHING
everything.
You know you can't deny that.
I'm finding that being comfortable
in my own skin
hurts.
Because one moment I'm accepted,
the next I'm crying.
I'm not like those normal emo girls that don't talk.
I talk and I
share and I
love.
I love you.
And I'm not socially awkward, am I?
Only when alone, left to my thoughts.
Otherwise.
I'm a social butterfly.
Right?
That's what they say.
I'm not even rhyming anymore.
I'm crying, right?
I'm sighing
I'm lying
I'm eying your
Love your light your halfhearted smile in my direction and
fair is the loveliest thing.
The ugliest thing.
Huh. That almost rhymes. Funny how that
works.

love is small

"Wait your turn to speak"
So I wait and I
Wait for my
Turn around my
Love, you're going no
Where are you? And
When the chance to speak to me,
Arises, thy sun in the
Sky, I cannot know
That everything ends, turns
Around and around my
Love,
Chances fading away, impatience
Arises like
"Son, don't let them see you"
Sweat, sweet like honey
Dew on grass on finger tips blades
Crisscrossing, crossing
Out with deep black ink
On white and simple words
That, lovingly, she writes, her diary
Closing
Time again to wait,
To speak,
To breathe your song's
Sounds of heaviness and sweat and
Desire, they hesitate but know desire and want
"Well, go ahead. Say thank you," and
Growing pains and growing,
Up, up away and know
That, yes.
I'm smiling now. I'm
Waiting to speak and knowing, still
Desirous and
Tensional and
Tenacious
And still, my dear, around,
Around and everything ends, my
Love is small and
Sacred, she is light like
Feathers brush her face
Like Fingers, nails, tickling
Gently, she closes the book, and
"You will go far" but
Still. Arising, my

Love is small.

And still,
Like honey dew on wet grass blades
That sink forever into my back and
Wake me up into the morning of the sun
"My son. You will go far.
Sure, my love is small, but still.
Sun, arising.
You will go far."

and then she runs away

Mimi Wilhelm

now looks up to where her hands hold the earth, above her head, it pressing down on her fingertips. If only her fingers hadn't been numb, and she'd noticed her power. If only she would stop looking backwards

away from the sun
How pitiful she flies away

numb, she screams, and in the darkness, light. She has stolen everything to gain nothing, and now walks with a straight back.

small inside,
Her emotions press like little ghosts inside a glass bottle with a metal cap.

Her redeemer is far away.
Her redeemer is black for his absence and
quiet in his far off glance.

"stop looking at me,"
she says
and then she runs away

little soft cacoon

This little soft cocoon
is where I'd like to stay
It's the only thing that keeps me living life today
This little soft cacoon
is calmness all around
the lack of air the like of love the lack of senseless sound
And if I stray out like before
What and who's to blame?
Is there a force
that loves me more
A force that's not ashamed
To see me as am and not a figure black and white
I am the very colors of the very darkest night.
And maybe while you whisper to the softness of my skin
I'll whisper back, my hand will out, and I will gesture in.
But you are not the trusted one.
You are not the light.
The air I wanted just to breath,
to make me feel alright.
Still this softest bubble,
keeps away the pain.
I'll push you out I'll pat you down
I'll make sure you can't feign.
Your love,
the lack thereof;
Your light,
the smell of night;
Your skin,
can't let you in;
This sound,
shall make me drown.
And if,
it comes to more,
the things,
I once adored,
I can't
believe this place.
I can't deny your fate.
Little softest bubble of my blank protected me
I am,
the smallest pebble,
smaller than the sea

JERK

Death and hesitation.
Blood burning.
Hand shaking.
You FUCKING moron.
JERK
I've never been so hurt.
You make me cry.
You make me bleed.
I'm fucking sick of all I see.
It's getting blurry,
NOT ALRIGHT.
You fucking make me hate my life.

metal on glass

Ice Cream
Hot Chocolate
Death Cab Blaring Rhythmically
And a Sukkah
Perfection in its most simple form
To its innermost parts
The novelty of everything, so
Beautiful
Hotness stretching gently and loosely down my
Throat
And my mind a mattress, soft
As the bubble of this night
That so soon will come
Into me
Green mug, cheaply made, a brown drop
Falling and green,
The coldness hits my tongue
Blaringly
Belittles me
Brown, like circles of contented harsh
Love
The chips and their
Dark mates
Sprinkled here and
About
And as my cup drains
I cringe
My spoon falls,
Metal on glass
Green on brown
Silver on
Nothingness

where the angels would walk

Here lies the grave of the little girl Grace
her little blond curls were the fruit of her race
the contour of grave meeting flowers and grass
is the line where the little feet walk slowly past
Their baby-smooth heels making less than a sound
as they trace with their toes all along the sharp ground
and water the grass with their salty pure tears
of careful contented and regretful fears
Did you know I think of dying today?
then everything else would just go away
the people who don't see me silently cry
would maybe, at last, finally come by
And point at the girl who once knew the world
who saw it for everything, great and absurd,
saw what a place is the one where we mock,
the place where the silent
finally talk
She saw it for all of its light-slanted trees
the spaces between them, the sky and the breeze
would push, just aside, for a moment or two
the leaves and their branches, where the birds flew
but there is not robin,
no blue jay,
no light.
There is just solemness, sadness, and flight.
I still cannot find where the light meets the dark
the line on the map where the angels would walk
The place where the grass meets the grave meets the sky
the place where I whisper,
the place where I die.

where the angels would walk (take 2)

Here lies the grave of the little girl Grace
her little blond curls were the fruit of her race
the contour of grave meeting flowers and grass
is the line where the little feet walk slowly past
Their baby-smooth heels making less than a sound
as they trace with their toes all along the sharp ground
and water the grass with their salty pure tears
of careful contented and regretful fears
Could it be she thought of dying today?
than everything else would just go away
the people who don't see her silently cry
would maybe, at last finally come by
And point at the girl who once knew the world
who saw it for everything, great and absurd,
saw what a place is the one where we mock,
the place where the silent
finally talk
She saw it for all of its light-slanted trees
the spaces between them, the sky and the breeze
would push, just aside, for a moment or two
the leaves and their branches, where the birds flew
but there is not robin,
no blue jay,
no light.
There is just solemness, sadness, and flight
I still cannot find where the light meets the dark
the line on the map where the angels would walk
The place where the grass meets the grave meets the sky
the place where she whispers,
the place where she dies.

mimi isnt' all alone.

Mimi isn't all alone.
Mimi is just fine.
Mimi can see right through you.
She can read your mind.
Mimi wants to break your neck.
Mimi wants to scream.
She wants to lose herself and
fall away from the unseen.
Mimi wants to calm her thoughts,
doesn't know whats wrong.
Why do her emotions soar and
fall back down in song?
Mimi isn't all alone.
Mimi is just fine.
Shut up Mimi,
Shut your mouth.
keep it out of mind.
Let the anger cool.
Mimi, don't succumb to this
lack of restless cause.
Mimi calm your fires now.
Mimi....
please.
Just pause.

safety in sadness

There is a
safety in sadness
relief to the madness
and a hope and a light to the pain
the things that we should do
the things that we have to, the
appeal to all that is vain
Uncertainty is everything and
pleasure is menacing and
while this all contradicts
I live for the crying,
I live for the aching,
I live for the skid's gentle kiss
home is the heartache
flight is the fall down
and for me its the hurt is bliss
we are what we give you
ashamed of the tribute
to following that which we know
so why do i hold you
pot you, confine you,
instead of just letting you go?

this sin

The warnings
plastered high above on
signs
and living things
tell us of all
we shall regret
how so
soon it will fade
and melt away
dripping down like burning sun
and skin gone bad
protection thrust
aside
and how do we prevent this
slow decay
this dread and
drudgery I
cannot say
and cannot breathe
for if we dare
we live, we seethe
I cannot say
for I live now
and see not yet
how i could ever
be
spent, so cold
I feel my nails
they scratch the future's skin
It gives a bit
but I shan't break
the only thing that I cant hate
the only thing that never did
a thing
It gives a bit
but I shall wait
for this regret
this sin

and a hand

And a hand,
so soft and artificial,
it pets your head rhythmically.
The day it began was the day you died
literally
and figuratively
You are not strong enough,
you see
Nor are you wise enough
to be the bravest of the
truest core
just leaning in
and wanting more so
You take and take
and never lose,
because all that you have is
nothingness
The hand, it disappears and
then
what else?
Regrets for all that could have been?
Perhaps a sigh
and then...
and then.
The head's slow, soft decline
the eyelids' flutter closed and then
and then
and then you die.
On this one point I think that we
can meet
eye to eye

after all, that's all

A tear to mend what's on your mind
A smile,
let it fall.
A breath to breathe your name as well,
after all, that's all
that one deserves to place upon the tongue of all who care
and place it well, for if you don't, it's like it wasn't there
A heart with which to open up
A heart,
I motion now,
thumb and finger can create
or make an L,
but that's called hate
and after all, all ends well,
after all, its swell
that we are only what we give
and giving doesn't go
to show that we are selfish
we are human we are small
the skies they can't compare
and yet they can't dissolve
our buildings and our fortresses
the things that we create
unless the human race does sprinkle in
a thing called hate
and make the acid fall on all the things we worked to build
we are the very downfall that we wish to push afar
we are the very aching of our every beating heart

who only takes who takes

Sigh.
Alone again.
It's ten am and I'm in bed.
The clock is blinking just behind
My shuttered eyes.
I am inclined
to shut it off
to open up
and yet, somehow,
I think I'm stuck
In between the blankets
I still can feel your heat
Now an emptiness I feel
A space you fail to keep
A void,
this lack of you enough,
to have me planted stiff and tough
to wait a while for your love
which I compare to give and take
It's I who gives
a little late
but you who only takes who takes

write what you know

"Write what you know"
So I dived into love
Not even keeping my head above
The waters rushing all around
The way they cut off all my sound
And silenced what I thought I knew
The only thing they left was you
Stranded, I was so alone
Without my paper, pencil, home
the scratching of the quill was gone
As was the ever pleasant song
And so I grabbed a hand above
Who pulled me out,
away from love
And left me high and dry ashore,
Crying, sighing, wanting more
So next I, museless, walked the sea
And tried to find my quill, to reach
Out for the pen that knew my hand
Better than that decent man
But when I saw that merman there
Pen in hand, knots in his hair,
I reached out to the thing I knew
The only thing I knew was you
And now I live, consumed by fate
Surrounded by these things I hate
But by my own accursed hand,
I live somewhere below the land
Waiting on the love I knew
That should, that had
to become true
And not an apparition of the pen in hand on slate
For that was all my drowning was,
and not a thing of fate

battle scars

I'm moving on
I'm giving up
You've made me strong
You've made me tough
The soft skin that would bleed right through
Has leathered up because of you
Now I'm immuned to all I see
You've brought me up
And made me free
These callouses are far from mars
They're proof of all my battle scars
A broken heart, much like all else
Mends stronger than its former self
And that's exactly how I see
The battle that was you and me
So please forgive my anger now,
The only way that I know how
To steady every breath at night,
Not crying out, to stand and fight
The sadness does not go way
Raw, it stays another day
Until the salts begin to mend
And make it scab and make it fend
For itself and all else that call
And all who cannot stand, who fall
I lend my toughened arm to you
The way I wanted you to do

I live in the house of crumbling walls

I live in the house
of crumbling walls
where eyes are watching
as we stall
to pick up rubble we can hold
on our poor backs
on our poor souls

This life is made of closed off space
Stuck in this marble, shiny case
I'm my own self,
the only me
And you're the only you,
you see
Our hollow heads give rise to thoughts
that bounce around, stuck in their box,
the only place they're free to dwell
and echo on
inside the shell
An open mouth, the only place
where thoughts and words can free escape
most often leads to naught but lies
and other things one should despise
So how can we branch out of here?
this place where I'm still doused in fear
Here in this life
we only dream
of so much more,
of better things
But we cannot be satisfied
the cheesy word is mindset, right?
The only thing that makes the fear
turn around from freezing tears
In life the way to be happy
is, simply, called misery
With each bad thing
we grow some light
To gain
we take away, we fight
So find your self
and find what's great
and that shall finally break the hate
And if we take away these things
we'll open up, untie the strings
and wall by wall
shall tumble down
the box in which the echo sounds

Lets tear the curtain from our eyes
become all we once despised
know our fellow human kinds
see inside the stiff confines
the house of crumbling walls, you see
is all that is
inside of me

life a mystery

The hum is getting louder
To fill this space of naught
I think it's called insanity,
this little wooden box
For a reason I don't know
The night is turning young
The time was ticking,
lights were flicking
Now content, I hum
Flaming fires rewind back
To when the forest grew
When vegetation, cottages
Were scarce but at least new
From modern day I'm falling back
the space catches my fear
Til at least the only thing
is a hum I hear
Black Soffes and green flip flops
become white stockings, nix the socks
and lace adorns the necks of all the fair
Whose legs ascend the Model T's
in horse drawn carriage-busy streets
and new white lilies sitting in their hair
They daren't do a thing that's out
of place and out of mind
We daren't call a friend a thing
that may be harsh, unkind
We mind our business like the time
when carriages were naught
The time of nothing, lack of thing
not happiness or joy
or even sorrow
even pain
just the blankest void
I call out but no one hears
I call out, I cry
but I must wait til night does come
And takes back all that I have won
Til finally the earth does let me die
Let's fast-forward for the sake
of lack of empty page
Creation, a history
Life--A Mystery
And on my tongue
the faintest hum,
constantly expanding
A universe away
It fails to stay
For one more day
Or infinity
It just depends on how much tape
and how much time
you have to sit and watch the black screen
of insanity
this little wooden box

come the morrow

everything is blowing up
falling from the sky
as we run we don't look back
for if we fall, we die
the mines are buried deep below
the field is slippery
wet from crying wet from rain
wet from misery
little bits of happiness
little bits of pain
little bits of everything
drowning in the rain
little bits of yesterday
blend we don't know how
but come the morrow
we will see
about the here and now

two peas, one pod

he said to me,
reap what you sow
I said like I care
About you,
I know
all about the quirks
and jokes
and smokes
like you couldn't evade
even brush aside
abide
by your own
freaking rules
those you break every day
Meanwhile I'm alone
in the cage
locked up
nothing to do
or say
agoraphobia
self-imposed
I've done it myself
why leave me here
while you take what I've dealt
You alter ego
you liar
You fake
Tell them the truth
About what you take
for my sake
for me
for my breath,
free
to break through the shell
you've wound around us
like two peas
one pod
one body
two souls

well

Well.

love and the lack thereof

What are we,
the endless streets
the very backwards souls we seek
The way you say my name, it's sweet
The way you hide your face, defeat
But that's too bad
And what am I
The colors of the bluest sky
I seek you out
and hunt you down
I am love,
The lack thereof.
I am lost then I am found
They say you're talking to yourself
Both night and day
You shelf, reshelf
But with a friend so
dear and true
And of course, I
love you too
They don't see me
standing there
They don't see me
Then why stare?
So morose
Your face, I'd say
It's even gross
The very way
I don't think
you've gone through hell,
seen the light
and LOL
My goodness girl,
You ain't a creep
So bow your head,
and swift defeat
Will come to those who pray
I do that, no
shame to say
Every single freaking day

while you sleep

I decided to go meet you
and fall deeply in love
but I encountered something weirder than
all of the above
inside of here
there's a different
kind of fear
that kind that makes me tear
I close my eyes
and I awake
I blink and then I dream
this is better than to deal
with all that's in between
like living and not
speaking and hitting it off
with everyone
everywehre
well, just to be fair

I wanted to believe in something
tangible
something real
but belief is something fake
something you cannot feel
or taste
I wanted to achieve
the ultimate in fantasy
but leave that for dreams
alone
in your head
while you sleep

I would fall in love

notes: a song; certain lines are from one of my poems, just fit, so I stuck 'em in.


The lights go on in the city streets
And I'm alive again
The lights go on and I can see
I might survive again

Chorus:

(But) I would fall in love
If only you would take my hand and
pull me down from up above
I would fall apart
If only you would take the pieces
_


Here, you can have a hand.
And here, you can have my heart.

The lights go on in the city streets
The night has come to take days place
And I'm just thinking
What's my purpose? Who am I?

The lights go on and I can see
I'm stuck and yet I'm free
The last time that I saw you
you were lying here with me

[chorus]

You can take my heart

oo, woah oh oh oh x3
oo, woah

Well, who would have thought
that that the world would fall apart
at the end of the day
And who would have held me closer
If they knew
All the things that I would say

[chorus]

You can take my heart

oo, woah oh oh oh
oo, woah oh oh oh x2
oo, woah

You can have my heart

keep falling down

Note: A song

Oh, I'm on my last hinge.
The door is rocking closed, It's rocking closed.
My last hinge,
And I'm becoming uncomposed
I'm not used to smiling when I'm sad
Or showing my true face when I'm mad

The sky turns gray
And yesterday
Becomes today in less than a day's time
Midnight's smile makes me cringe, makes me tired.
Makes me think I'm higher than this depressing pit of my own guilt

[Chorus]

Oh when the rain is falling on my head.
And when the night is stalling, instead
I couldn't believe that I could ever feel again.
I couldn't see that I would even want to live again

And when the rain is falling on my head
And when the ground comes up to meet me, not my bed
As I fall into the soft pillows of my dispair
And when I kiss the soft billows of your hair.
___

The rain keeps falling down
Keeps falling down
Keep falling down

The rain keeps falling down
Keeps falling down
Keep falling down

The sky turns gray
And yesterday
Becomes today in not even a day's time

And midnight's smile
would defile
The things that make me cringe

Oh, I'm on my lost hinge
The door is rocking closed, it's locking closed
My last hinge, and I'm slowly becoming uncomposed

I'm not used to smiling when I'm sad
Or showing my true face when I'm mad

The sky turns gray
And yesterday
Becomes today in not even a day's time

Midnight's smile makes me cringe makes me tired,
Make's me thing I'm higher than this depressing pit of my own guilt

[Chorus]

The rain keeps falling down
Keeps falling down

The rain keeps falling down
Keeps falling down

So rain, keep falling down
keep falling down

Just keep on falling down
keep falling down

doing things

note: Read this as if I'm blurring one sentence into the next, no pauses, just slightly from one line to the next. Read it as if the farther I go the faster I get the more madening each word is, fueling the next.

You're doing things again.
The things that make me mad inside my head.
Doing things that make me cringe they make me feel
like I could crash and die and burn and why?
to make me feel so small, is this the plan?
Doing things.
Could you do things that I would want
The things that make me go?
They make me tick
Like wishing we could dance real slow?
Doing things like coming up to me to me and whispering
that I'm not perfect
Cuz I don't want to be an inhuman
idealist
bubble of perfection
I am human
I am wrong
This is the meaning of the word
The bad nature
The associations.
I am bad
there's no doubting that much
But why does this peace of mind settle over me
Like a cool mist?
This peace of mind unsettles me
deeply
it strangles at my feet
the finger tips touching me reverantly and yet
and yet
they're grabbing me like they want me to come down this confusion
its eating me up making me
sick inside of course its wrong of course its right of
course it's telling me that I should not worry because
why would
I worry when the soothing voices tell me not
to
tell me not to shake and scream they tell me not to that's
the reason that I do because
I must defy them, I must defy all they stand for
that perfection,
my pacing feet going back and forth carry by body and for
what?
Why should they?
Why can't you just tell me the truth and it'll be over with. Tell me
that I'm wrong that I'm fake that I'm real that I'm good that I'm bad
and small and all the things of misery
because this misery is eating me up
it must defy the peace of mind that lingers, so close, on the edge of all my thoughts
or else maybe I'd just be happy
and that would just be plain wrong.